random poetry #2

11/18/2017 *trigger warning: mention of sexual assault

Dear God,

I just have a couple questions for you, some things that I’ve had on my mind. Answer me this, why is it that in your own book it says, “seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you.” I have been searching and searching and I haven’t found a single thing. The only thing I have to show for my knocking is cold, bloody knuckles and that door? Couldn’t be more closed.

It’s not that I don’t try God, I mean don’t get me wrong. I pray the prayers, I read the words, and I sing every song. But all I get back? Is nothing.

Here’s another, if you oh God, are the creator of all things. If you are so indescribable, uncontainable, then why the war? famine? drought? death? disease? And don’t try and say, “that one tree, remember? That stupid girl Eve?” No. I need a real legitimate answer. I’m tired of turning on the TV and seeing lies, fighting, destruction and violence. I’m tired of all this stuff happening and from you? Only getting radio silence. Answer me God. Why?

Why is it that my mother seems to only get sicker and sicker no matter how much prayer or medicine we seem to give her? Why is it that there are hundreds of thousands of children sitting in foster homes or on the streets alone and abandoned? What have those kids done to deserve that treatment from you? What about those single mothers whose husbands, boyfriends, and baby daddies have left them to fend for themselves? Not a bit of money, clothes for their babies, or food sitting on their shelves.

Here’s another question for you. If you are so full of love and compassion, why are the people who claim to be your most dedicated followers so full of hate? Swearing up and down with things that are “different”, “against the rules” or “unnatural” they just can’t relate. So instead of treating others with love or kindness, they burn them with words, slam them with negativity, and kill them with closemindedness. Knowing there are so many skeletons in their closet that the door doesn’t even close anymore. I just don’t understand God I just don’t get it.

For all my life I have believed in something, someone bigger, someone stronger. Well you know what I think? I think I’ve been screwed over. I think me and everyone else have fallen for big what if.

what if there’s someone up there watching us, what if there’s are way out, what if one day this all goes away. Well you know what I think God? There isn’t. And it doesn’t.

Because that little boy, his dad is still going to beat him. That young girl is still going to get raped. That black boy is still going to get shot and that school full of children are never going to see their parents again. Because God you weren’t there.

You weren’t there when my mom and dad were fighting all hours into the night. You weren’t there when that man took advantage of me. You weren’t there when I was crying and begging for help. You weren’t there when I wanted to cease to exist, you were never there.

When I scream in anger I scream at the wind and when I cry, I’m crying tot he sky. I know you wouldn’t care if right now I died. How could you exist? How could you be real? When the pain of life is almost unreal. We’re dying out here. Addictions on the rise, depression on the incline, mental disorders on the climb, all this senseless crime, we’re running out of time.

I just can’t do it anymore.

Sincerely,

respectfully,

Jessica

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